Lola - lola@hubzilla.monster

Lola

lola@hubzilla.monster

Not your typical stereotype. I'm a feminine male who is both CIS and trans at the same time. Just trying to navigate life my own way and have some fun while I am at it.

Gender:: Other

Status:: It's complicated

2025-06-06 22:15:22

Lola

lola@hubzilla.monster

Is pushing people away based on guilt by association really the best way to handle transphobia?

Someone literally came to @FediForum to discuss decentralized social media and the social web in a non-hostile manner, and was perfectly fine and respectful towards the trans, gays, and lesbians attending, but they were prohibited from speaking because one of the leaders of their organization talked with someone who is accused of being transphobic? The person banned from speaking never said anything transphobic. It was purely guilt by association.

When dealing with outsiders, we have two choices. Be hostile to them or be welcoming to them.

If we are hostile to them, we just confirm that they were right about us being a threat, and we just create more people who hate us. On the other hand, if we are welcoming to them, they start to question why people are so hostile to us, and we can gain another ally.

If #trans people keep being this hostile and exclusionary to normies, we will wind up continuing to isolate ourselves until we have no social influence at all. And the less social influence we have, the more people are hostile to us.

It's like we are trying to dig ourselves out of a hole society has put is in... by digging deeper.

I understand being protective. One of the reasons I post under an alias is because I am afraid of being attacked simply for who I am. But being exclusionary and punishing people using guilt by association is a tactic that will just backfire.

#fediforum #fediforum2025

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2025-06-07 00:11:32

Marshall Sutherland

dwatney@hub.farthinghalearms.com

By this logic, Daryl Davis (or maybe anyone who works with him) should be cancelled because Daryl has talked to KKK members.

Making it costly to communicate with people in another faction is a great way to limit any sort of understanding between factions. The people who don't want you to communicate want to maintain the hate. Without the hate, they lose their power.

I used to play World of Warcraft. Members of the two factions only see gibberish when a member of the other faction says something. The inability to communicate was an effective way to maintain hostility.

2025-06-07 00:38:10

Lola

lola@hubzilla.monster

Hostility begets hostility. Hate begets hate. Fighting fire with fire makes a bigger fire. That is why firefighters user water instead. And likewise, we should use love to fight hate.

2025-06-07 00:43:29

Scott M. Stolz

scott@loves.tech

It is interesting that you say that. I totally agree that hate begets hate and hostility begets hostility.

One of the tactics that I use is the nastier that they are to me, the nicer I am to them. It results in one of two things. Either they get pissed off that they can't piss me off, or they realize that they are the jerk and apologize. Either way, I win.

I won't put up with disrespect, but I also won't stoop down to their level either.

2025-06-07 00:52:02

Lola

lola@hubzilla.monster

@Scott M. Stolz What do you mean by be nice to people?

2025-06-07 01:21:00

Scott M. Stolz

scott@loves.tech

@Lola It depends on the situation, but basically you hold yourself to a higher standard than they are currently demonstrating.

For many situations, they assume you are going to be a jerk or hostile based on some assumption or stereotype. When you don't act that way, it often disarms them. These are the people who now have to rethink their assumptions since you challenged their preconceived notions. These are the people who typically apologize and change their minds.

And if they are trying to provoke you, they win if you let them provoke you. They are trying to make you look bad by getting you to do something. Then they point at that and use that against you. So, you instead be nice and make it look like they are harassing an innocent victim (which they are). It backfires on them. These are the ones who get pissed off. They were trying to make you look bad, but you flipped it and made them look bad instead.

And sometimes you have to call people out. Instead of attacking them personally, you call out specific behaviors and tell them that it is not appropriate here, and that they may be asked to leave (or in the case of a community, banned). No name calling. No personal attacks. No gross generalizations. Just "your behavior is inappropriate and you will comply or there will be consequences." It is hard for them to argue with you when you don't make it personal, especially when you can point to community rules. And, in the end, they will often respect you even if they disagree with you. Plus when it becomes personal, that is when people get really nasty. So avoiding making it personal deescalates the situation, whereas making it personal escalates the situation.

There are many tactics for dealing with harassment and misbehavior. Holding yourself to a higher standard than they do is an effective way to beat them. And the fact that they wind up looking bad is a good deterrent for others.